Delayed anxiety, never forgotten

Today I read a blog post from a local developer, Chris Russell, in which he describes how he is struggling with anxiety, stress nightmares, and sleeplessness due to a past job and the stress it caused. I wrote a blog post about this in the past, but will share more personal experiences here because Chris’s experience led me to recall something I deal with on a daily basis, and have dealt with for the past 17 years. (No, it never goes away.)

As we grow older the memories of the past become more and more clear, and 17 years “feels” like yesterday. Even as I say that number it’s hard to believe it was that long ago, yet here we are in 2015. So recalling this is not a problem. Well, actually it is a problem because the memories suck, though the fact I can recall it is sweet.

At that point in my life I was on the verge of closing a failed business. I was smoking 2 packs of cigarettes and drinking 2 pots of coffee each day, and dealing with the stresses of bill collectors, not being able to pay employees, and possibly being homeless soon. All while living on a single meatball sub each day because I couldn’t afford anything else to eat. My life had become one HUGE ball of stress and failure.

One evening I was trying to relax, and was sitting on my couch watching something stupid on TV (most things on TV are stupid), and felt a sudden heat in my chest. I felt as if I had a pool of warm water right where my heart was, and fully expected to look down and see exactly that. There wasn’t any pain, just a warm “oozy” feeling. Following this I was filled with sudden feelings of TERROR! No, not the scared feeling we get from watching a frightening movie or riding a roller coaster. This was sheer TERROR ripping through my body and mind. I “knew” I was about to die at 32 years old. Not knowing what else to do I called 911 for an ambulance. (I was alone, because nobody wants to be around a failure.)

After a night in the ER, of which I had a couple more in the following month as I finished closing the business, I was diagnosed as having a panic attack driven by anxiety. They prescribed some anxiety drugs and sent me home. (I only took the drugs a couple times because they caused feelings of paranoia, so I flushed them.)

On one trip the ER I had a fairly attentive doctor who actually talked with me about what was happening. He said that these attacks were likely spurred on by previous months of high stress, rather than what I was experiencing at the moment. It turns out that anxiety builds over time, and attacks can be the result of stress experienced up to 6 months prior as a delayed response. So things like divorce, job stress, fights with loved ones, unsolved problems, auto accidents, past due bills, disgruntled employees, and pretty much anything else that can cause stress doesn’t manifest itself immediately. Our minds and bodies can take up to 6 months to fully process it and manifest them in physical ways.

All of this is what led me to change my life. I stopped smoking, stopped drinking coffee (caffeine free herbal tea became my friend), got a new job, and moved in with family until I got back on my feet, and started doing things proactively rather than waiting for things to happen to me.

Times are brighter now, and I have experienced many successes. But the anxiety always remains and NEVER goes away. I opened the Pandora’s box by allowing stress to run me and will pay the piper for the rest of my life. Terror is only one missed indicator away from taking over. But I manage it by keeping stress levels low, keeping busy, staying physically fit, and recognizing symptoms before they escalate. My journey continues.

To those of you who have not experienced this, please do not let stress build up. Handle things early, because this is not the way to live. For those who do experience this, relax, it does get easier with time and alertness.